Hammer on Anvil '

On Sunday I woke up, ate some cereal, had some coffee, talked to my husband, snuggled the kiddos. It was a basic Sunday morning. Doug leaves early to help run the soundboard for worship, so I sauntered around getting laundry put up and getting clean clothes for the kids. I felt pretty good. I had the average "It's January" sinus funk, but I felt good. By 9, however, the funk turned to pressure and that pressure quickly turned into a full-blown ocular migraine. Or, as I like to call them, Special Ops: Cancel Your Plans.

Seriously though, I see these black dots and my vision just goes all fuzzy. It's absolutely maddening, not to mention painful. Combine that with extreme sensitivity, and sheesh -- I am a basket case.

All this happened about an hour before church, so I called and tried to find a replacement for my nursery shift and then prepared the kiddos that not only would church not be an option, but it would have to be a quiet day around the house. Balled up on the couch, I explained, "Mommy has a real nasty headache. I am so sorry, but I can't drive and Daddy has already left for church. We are going to have to stay here." I tried to console my sad kiddos, but my head felt like it was darn near ready to explode. The kids were awesome and, like always, very thoughtful about my stupid migraine. And then I sat back, took the tiny pill (that without insurance I could not afford), and waited for relief.

At this point, while I waited, I felt like an ultimate failure. When a migraine hits, especially an ocular one, I have to stop my day, cancel my plans, take horrific but desperately needed medication and just wait. I have been dealing with migraines for 20 years now and I still don't have an answer. It just happens, they say. It just hurts, I complain. So why do I make myself feel worse about a situation there is essentially nothing I can do about? Because the church I went to as a kid told me if I really loved Jesus, I would never be sick.

Now, I know that's not true, but that was the popular belief in churches for a while. Ah yes, I give you 1990's Midwest mega church theology: You are successful at everything when you love Jesus. You will never be sick, have financial problems, or deal with life - If you really love Jesus. So clearly, my migraines, and depression, or my sweet mother and her heartbreaking MS (and everyone else I know that deals with something) are results of our not loving Jesus enough. I believe this propaganda has been going on for decades, but it really started to reek havoc with the Prayer of Jabez movement. Oh man, that book. What a bunch of bantha poodoo. Regardless of how ridiculous it was, believers clung to it.

What am I saying? Every time I had a migraine, or someone was diagnosed with something, or someone struggled with depression, they were to be brought before the church and told that if they wanted to be healed they needed to believe/love/honor God more. Now, friends, I believe God wants to heal you, but I also know sometimes in life you just have to deal with being human. So at church, forget about boasting in your weakness; you straight-up feared being outed for being weak. You were shamed for not loving God enough, or shamed because God didn't love you enough. And don't bother following through with doctors' orders; that just means you don't trust the Lord. I was told literally that taking my preventative medication or avoiding things that triggered my migraines was "not fully trusting in God." I was called out for hurting and called out for seeking help. I began to completely hate myself for something I should have just learned to deal with - Yes, I have migraines. Yes, I take medicine to help. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes I just have to deal. It sucks, but it is not the end of the world. Aside from the very few and most terrifying treatments available, I don't have an actual choice. I just have migraines.

I wish I would have had the confidence to contradict their crazy. I wish I could have simply said to the  leaders that, "It rains on the just and the unjust alike" (Matthew 5:45). I wish I could have known that "boasting in your weakness" (2 Corinthians 11:30) is really just saying, "Yeah, I have faults, but look at what God is doing!"

If I could have just dealt with the fact I had some issues and then let God give me the peace, grace and healing to deal, I would have been a much happier person a long time ago.

Now, I can say, Yeah, I am sickly, depressed and awkward some days, but look how God is working in my life anyway. Migraines are not really what I would call a weakness; they are a physical condition that leaves me feeling weak. They don't define me; they are just something I deal with. It has nothing to do with how much I love my Savior or how much the Savior loves me. In the scheme of things, these little annoyances really aren't that bad. God gives me what I need when I need to deal with it. God gives me peace. He gives me rest. He restores my heart and my head when I feel it might explode. He provides doctors and grants them wisdom, and has even given my husband a job with insurance to help pay for my medicine when I need it. Although I might deal with this from time to time, oh friends, I am thankful, joyful and at peace. I know God is moving in my life and I know His healing will come in time.

Right now, you may be dealing with scary medical decisions -- things way more serious than my annoying migraines. You might be dealing with looming depression, an intense self-harm issue, or  perhaps a stifling addiction. Friends, you may be dealing with sin that feels like it may consume you.  Believer or not, you still will have something to deal with in life. It may be huge and frightening, or it may be simply having to be compassionate to stupid people, but whatever it is you can go to God with your request. It matters to God, because it matters to you. You can pray for peace, guidance and help while dealing, and I hope you do, but it won't change the fact you are human. We all have to deal with life. God makes it easier, yes; but He won't always take it away, and especially not simply because we claim it. Believers, let's pretend life is like that game show with Howie Mandel, except here your choice is to deal OR deal. You can love Jesus wholeheartedly, but that will not excuse you from being part of a yucky and mostly unfair world.

Friends, if you have fallen victim to this tragedy that was a religious popular belief, I want your faith to be restored. Loving Jesus will not stop bad things from happening. You will still have health issues. Your AC or heater might go out. Your car might break down. You will still have to pay taxes on stuff you don't support. Laws will be made whether or not they work for you. People you don't like will be elected and more than likely you will deal with real mean people daily, some of whom will claim to love Jesus. Bad things happen to people who love Jesus, just as it does to people who don't. The difference is how we respond. How are you going to act when bad things happen to you?

Don't let bad things make you grumpy. God is still in control.

Today I encourage you to go to God with your problems, your fears, your hopes, and your thanksgiving. Remember to, "Cast your anxiety on him because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7).

I'd like you, if you can, to listen to one of my favorite bands from the 90s. It's ska and it's silly, but this song reminded me, during a time I needed it most, that Jesus cares for me like no one else. Let's bring our worries and hurts before the Lord. Let's deal with what we have been given. Let's dance and rejoice, regardless of what we need to deal with, because our Heavenly Father cares for us. And please, let's send that "Name it and Claim it" jargon back to the baggage claim where it belongs.