A Pirates Testimony
Posted in Red Beard's Posts 2 comments
Rather than share the beginning, because we'd be here for hours, I thought I'd start in the middle or approximately two thirds into my journey according to my current age. Suffice it to say I've been a Christian for as long as I can remember probably first giving my life to the Lord at some point in my childhood.>>>>fast forward>>>>stop age 24 - 27.
I'm a very honor/integrity bound person so I always wanted to do right by the Lord, but the reality of still being a sinful man continued to discourage and weigh me down. I tried to pursue Christ's example but naturally being human I fell short and I continue to fall short; so how was I/how am I to deal with this shortfall? How could I reconcile my present sinfulness with the churches admonition to and insinuation that I should be capable of perfection? In my life this gap between where I was aiming and where I truly was manifested itself in depression. The constant knowledge of my short comings which seemed to stand opposite my confession of faith weighed me down and was constantly on my heart and mind. I was face to face with Romans 7:24.
-Oh wretched man that I am, who will save me from this body of death?-
Compounded on top of this guilt and shame, which was more than enough believe me, was also plenty of disappointment. Everyone around me seemed to subscribe to the idea that God immediately or always answers our desire for a mate and I was dang ready for that to finally happen. While that's the rosy butterfly and puppy dog view it is not always the case. My apparent inability to find and lay hold of someone, preferably just as strange as I and incredibly beautiful to boot, to love discouraged and added to the weight I already felt. Was this because of my sin, because sometimes it can be an unchecked heart or an unrepentant spirit. "What Lord, WHAT!" I wrestled with him late one night on the way back from a MUTEMATH show in Tulsa. "I'm doing everything I know how! I'm stepping out into the sea when you're calling me to. I'm working as hard as I know how, but my strength is not enough to meet your requirements."
...tears, frustration, disbelief, anger, confession, trust, surrender.
It is only looking back now that I can see that to my yelling/wrestling(and by the way it's ok to wrestle with God about things you don't understand - Lt. Dan style if need be) he just said, 'I know'.
The point he was making was that it was not for me to do in my own strength, but through the surrendering of my weakness and insufficiency. That's where he truly began to work. Confession, trust, and surrender were the most important things to come out of that wrestling. I struggled a lot with wanting things on my own time table because I didn't trust enough to surrender and accept his plans for me. I was struggling to achieve and pursue my own goals without thought or hesitation to consider his purpose and plans. My fear was and sometimes still is, "Well what if his plans for me don't include the things I most desire at this moment?" Though the work completed on the cross was all done for me it is stopping short to leave off there and think this life should be focused on me. Indeed I'm finding I'm not here just to see what I can attain, but rather for the adventure and that there is a purpose and an opportunity in whatever is sent my way. What he spoke though Isaiah 55:8-9 is still the case.
-For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts-
So I confessed that I hadn't been trusting and surrendered to the knowledge that He is greater than I am and that I must and will trust Him through smooth sailing as well as the most difficult times. Even when it is the most perplexing and my human mind cannot grasp a reason I'm striving to surrender. Job13:15
-Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him-
Grace and trust were the concepts I just could not comprehend and allow to sink in before this surrender finally happened. It wasn't about something I could produce or attain due to my own strength and it wasn't about any plan that I could work out in my own timing. I continue to learn that God's grace is indeed greater than my sin, it is freely given, it is his unmerited favor and love. I now trust that his love is so great for me that even though I may not see or understand what it is that he has my best interest in mind. With these things in line it put me into a place to really begin to come alive and see freedom from the chains of my depression and sin. I then began to truly see and continue to see transformation as the Holy Spirit works in my life; great joy even through pain, peace even in trial and hope where I once was hopeless. The idea of trust or faith in God has not removed the frustration I often feel, made me sinless, and it definitely doesn't mean everything is sunshine and rainbows, but it does give me a rock to stand on when everything else seems to be coming down around me.
-And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Matthew 7:25
I'm a very honor/integrity bound person so I always wanted to do right by the Lord, but the reality of still being a sinful man continued to discourage and weigh me down. I tried to pursue Christ's example but naturally being human I fell short and I continue to fall short; so how was I/how am I to deal with this shortfall? How could I reconcile my present sinfulness with the churches admonition to and insinuation that I should be capable of perfection? In my life this gap between where I was aiming and where I truly was manifested itself in depression. The constant knowledge of my short comings which seemed to stand opposite my confession of faith weighed me down and was constantly on my heart and mind. I was face to face with Romans 7:24.
-Oh wretched man that I am, who will save me from this body of death?-
Compounded on top of this guilt and shame, which was more than enough believe me, was also plenty of disappointment. Everyone around me seemed to subscribe to the idea that God immediately or always answers our desire for a mate and I was dang ready for that to finally happen. While that's the rosy butterfly and puppy dog view it is not always the case. My apparent inability to find and lay hold of someone, preferably just as strange as I and incredibly beautiful to boot, to love discouraged and added to the weight I already felt. Was this because of my sin, because sometimes it can be an unchecked heart or an unrepentant spirit. "What Lord, WHAT!" I wrestled with him late one night on the way back from a MUTEMATH show in Tulsa. "I'm doing everything I know how! I'm stepping out into the sea when you're calling me to. I'm working as hard as I know how, but my strength is not enough to meet your requirements."
...tears, frustration, disbelief, anger, confession, trust, surrender.
It is only looking back now that I can see that to my yelling/wrestling(and by the way it's ok to wrestle with God about things you don't understand - Lt. Dan style if need be) he just said, 'I know'.
The point he was making was that it was not for me to do in my own strength, but through the surrendering of my weakness and insufficiency. That's where he truly began to work. Confession, trust, and surrender were the most important things to come out of that wrestling. I struggled a lot with wanting things on my own time table because I didn't trust enough to surrender and accept his plans for me. I was struggling to achieve and pursue my own goals without thought or hesitation to consider his purpose and plans. My fear was and sometimes still is, "Well what if his plans for me don't include the things I most desire at this moment?" Though the work completed on the cross was all done for me it is stopping short to leave off there and think this life should be focused on me. Indeed I'm finding I'm not here just to see what I can attain, but rather for the adventure and that there is a purpose and an opportunity in whatever is sent my way. What he spoke though Isaiah 55:8-9 is still the case.
-For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts-
So I confessed that I hadn't been trusting and surrendered to the knowledge that He is greater than I am and that I must and will trust Him through smooth sailing as well as the most difficult times. Even when it is the most perplexing and my human mind cannot grasp a reason I'm striving to surrender. Job13:15
-Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him-
Grace and trust were the concepts I just could not comprehend and allow to sink in before this surrender finally happened. It wasn't about something I could produce or attain due to my own strength and it wasn't about any plan that I could work out in my own timing. I continue to learn that God's grace is indeed greater than my sin, it is freely given, it is his unmerited favor and love. I now trust that his love is so great for me that even though I may not see or understand what it is that he has my best interest in mind. With these things in line it put me into a place to really begin to come alive and see freedom from the chains of my depression and sin. I then began to truly see and continue to see transformation as the Holy Spirit works in my life; great joy even through pain, peace even in trial and hope where I once was hopeless. The idea of trust or faith in God has not removed the frustration I often feel, made me sinless, and it definitely doesn't mean everything is sunshine and rainbows, but it does give me a rock to stand on when everything else seems to be coming down around me.
-And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Matthew 7:25
2 comments:
RedBeard, what an encouragement your writing was to me - thanks a lot brother...
Wow, what an encouraging testimony. I just found this blog because my future mother-in-law is one of the writers now. I decided to go back and gradually read all of it and I'm so glad I did. Thank you for your transparency.
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